Since we last met…
(musings) with Karen Abi-Karam, Issue 3
Where have the last 6 weeks gone?! In a haze of busy-ness for me!! If the same for you, then I hope you are looking forward to some downtime soon...even if just the few minutes you’re taking to read this!
One thing that stands out from that haze is the wedding ceremony I’ve been working on over the last couple of weeks. How I love a wedding! Focused attention on celebrating love and optimism. A time to gather with friends and family...to reminisce...to laugh...to cry...to dance!
However, every time I start talking to a couple about their ceremony, a flash of sadness rises. My sadness comes from the knowledge that, still, in our world, not all weddings are entered into between two consenting adults. For example, the UNICEF Child Marriage Database (2024) reports that 19% of girls worldwide are married before they turn 18 years old, compared to 3% of boys. And, of course, there are many instances where couples don’t receive the full support of their family and friends when they declare their plans to get married. And even for those who are planning a joyous celebration, the time – and often money – invested in a wedding, doesn’t guarantee them anything more than a rushed, off-the-shelf wedding ceremony.
I focus on the difference I can make to the couples who come to me for their wedding ceremony, and, for each one, I make a donation to VOW for Girls – a partner organisation of Girls Not Brides which works with individuals and the wedding industry to help end child marriage.
My couples want something personal and reflective of their relationship. They are very clear that the ceremony is an important part of the wedding celebration they are planning. Unfortunately, most state-appointed registrars and religious officiants do not have the time to create something bespoke for each couple. This means that regardless of the budget or time spent planning the big day, the ceremony can lose its heart and soul. And…if the ceremony hasn’t been carefully considered...the whole occasion risks becoming nothing more than a very expensive party.
However, with the right consideration, a one-of-a-kind wedding is within everyone's grasp – even without an Independent Celebrant to help craft the story and officiate on the day. And every couple should be given the opportunity to shape their own ceremony to reflect their personalities, beliefs and wishes. In my experience, a memorable wedding – or any ceremony for that matter – is built on three golden rules:
1.What you say
The words you use are perhaps the most important thing on your wedding day. Why? Because they hold your wishes for the future, the promises you are making to each other and the public declaration of your love. But, of course, these are not the only words. Typically, a couple can choose readings and write their own vows – though if the ceremony is being led by a registrar or humanist officiant these cannot include any religious or spiritual ideas and you may have to select from pre-written templates. However, its personalisation needn’t stop there; a couple might tell some of the story of how they met, fell in love or got engaged. And why wait until the reception to share good wishes and memories from friends and family?
2.What you do
There are many creative ways of making a wedding ceremony more memorable and interactive. Couples are choosing to symbolise their union in more ways than exchanging rings, everything from lighting candles to bringing in rituals that represent their ancestry (like hand-fasting, jumping the broom or circling the fire) or their shared passions (like food, travel, music). And who says that walking up the aisle to a fanfare has to be reserved to just one of the participants...or even undertaken at all?
3.Who you include
Witnessing the ceremony is an important role for your guests but why not invite some – or all – of them to participate more actively? There are lots of interesting ways of including significant people in the ceremony beyond readings, bridesmaids/groomsmen, ring bearers and ushers. And they don’t have to be able to sing solo or play an instrument to do it! How about a ring warming or a gathering written good wishes or advice for the future? And what about asking them to commit to support you through your marriage or promise to remind you of what you love about each other in tough times? The “I DO” of 80 people in unison is a touching and memorable moment.
These golden rules do not dictate the length of the ceremony or the mood. It doesn’t matter how many people are in attendance or how much was spent on the venue…or the clothes…or the food...or the party favours. What matters is the intention which, if you hadn’t noticed from my previous musings, is a big thing for me. A wedding marks an important milestone – the end of one phase and the beginning of a new one, regardless of whether the couple has been together for months or decades. The wedding ceremony serves to announce something publicly…whilst acknowledging something deeply personal.
A good celebrant will take the time to get to know the couple and find out what getting married means to them. They'll listen to the couple's ideas and find ways of including their beliefs and interests into the ceremony, so that everyone goes away with a real sense of what has brought them together and how they intend on keeping their marriage strong. Not only does this make the service more meaningful, but it makes it truly unique.
And as this lands in your inbox, I will be on my way to conduct the wedding I mentioned earlier. We’ll start with a string quartet and end with a mariachi band. There is no aisle, no procession and no readings. The ceremony is short but jam-packed with memories and heartfelt promises. We will acknowledge the loved ones present and those lost...and there are more than a few jokes! It is being held on the Kent coast, at a 100-year-old venue, with views of the English Channel. The plan is for an outdoor ceremony and, given the unpredictability of the British weather, your positive vibes are most welcome! So, until next time…
References:
UNICEF Data (2024, May 1), Child Marriage Database. https://data.unicef.org/topic/child-protection/child-marriage/
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