Since we last met…
(musings) with Karen Abi-Karam, Issue 1
Before we continue, confirming that the title of this column is not a typo! Whilst this is the first time we’re meeting here, the column is so titled because I’ll be popping in each issue to share what I’ve been musing on through my academic research, as a result of my professional practice and, well, in the course of my life as a woman who loves ‘gossip’! Speaking of which…
When Kate approached me be to be a regular contributor to The Gossip, something moved deep inside. The name spoke to me. I liked the subversion of a term used to sensationalise the subject matter or, worse still, diminish the validity of the person speaking. It wasn’t until Kate explained what she’d found out about the origins of the word that I realised why my response was so powerful. Maybe you felt something too and that’s why you’re here…?!
So, if our ‘gossips’ are the women with whom we meet and rely on for support (Federici, 2018), then no wonder I was all in! Coming together, creating communities and sharing our lived experience – especially with ritual intent – is important. It helps us find meaning in our everyday activities; fosters deeper connections and unlocks something akin to spirituality in our increasingly secular lives, (ter Kuile, 2020).
This is where the work of Coventina intersects with my own calling to help dignify our lived experiences as women. As a celebrant, menstrual advocate and researcher, I am all about reclaiming what has been lost – particularly honouring the milestones we encounter, and thresholds we cross, during our menstrual lifecycle. There are many ways of gathering, but I would argue that the how is far less significant than the why.
Of course, the manner in which we meet may set the parameters of who is able to attend or what we can share together – although, in my experience, neither are limiting in their own right. We might come together for a single hour or a week-long retreat; perhaps we meet in person or online; our group could be small or much larger-scale; we may invite the same women to attend each time or welcome whoever shows up. Regardless of the form our gathering takes, we have the opportunity – amongst other things – to reflect, recalibrate and feel more resourced. That is, if the reason for gathering is clear.
Whether you are a space holder or attendee, my belief is that it is our intention leading up to and during each gathering that dictates what can be offered. And, as a reciprocal event, what we are able to receive in return.
As space holders, we might be calling people together who share similar stories or life stages or interests; our attention may be focused on a specific modality or cultural practice and/or we might hold the possibility for the gathering to take its own course. Having our intention clear, and being appropriately equipped to manage the unfolding, is vital to the experience we provide space for. As an attendee, everything from our frame of mind, emotional state and experience of other gatherings through to our ability to trust in the space holder and our expectations for our time spent together offer at least some of the keys to what we gain from any meeting.
With all of the above in mind, I reflected on what to feature in this first newsletter. A quotation that was shared on Coventina’s Instagram feed recently, from author, Judith Duerk, led the way: “How might life have been different if there had been a place for you ... a place of women, where you were received and affirmed? A place where other women, perhaps somewhat older, had been affirmed before you, each in her time, affirmed, as she struggled to become more truly herself.”
This got me thinking about the most recent gathering of women I was part of. In fact, it was a coming together of 12 & 13-year-old girls and their mothers in the final instalment of their year-long Girls Journeying Together group. Held in my home, the mothers – supported by me, as the Facilitator – affirmed the girls as the young women they are becoming. They dared to show themselves, we – the older women – witnessed them, and they witnessed each other. This gathering brought together the threads we laid down over the preceding 12 sessions, ones each girl will continue to weave into a unique tapestry as she continues through adolescence and into adulthood.
From the girls who have walked this path before, we hear that they feel better equipped to be themselves and have felt the power of a supportive group of peers. The oldest cohort (now in their early 20s) have a sense that something is different about their experience but they can’t quite put their finger on what – why would they, they’ve known nothing else! Having received the very same opportunity, as part of my own initiation into this work – during my Facilitator training with Rites for Girls CIC, amongst my own circle of women – I can attest to the differences it made to my pre-teen self (even the version of her I brought to the training, as an adult) and the reverberations I have continued to feel as a result. If I had received this at 12 years old it would have been life changing!
So here I am, honoured to be part of Coventina’s mission to celebrate and reinstall safe places for women and girls to gather – and reclaim the meaning of the words we use to describe them. Go well...until we meet again by the fire, for more of the kind of gossip that can change the world!
Further reading:
Duerk, J. (2011). Circle of stones: Woman's journey to herself. New World Library.
Federici, S. (2018). Witches, witch-hunting, and women. PM Press.
ter Kuile, C. (2020). The power of ritual: Turning everyday activities into soulful practices. HarperCollins UK.
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